I am sobbing as I write this. Partially because I am elated and partially because I am stunned. So today was my yearly "girlie exam". This exam was routine, but I was also scheduled to discuss my infertility. Let me start with a little bit of background information. My doctor suggested Clomid months ago. I have been to three different doctors in the past year and a half. I didn't choose two of them for various reasons. The third one was my original obgyn. I left her to begin with because I work at Conway and she doesn't have delivery privileges there so I only cheated on her for insurance purposes. BIG mistake. I won't do that again! Anyway, after both doctors did ultrasounds independently of one another, and I had an HSG (my fallopian tubes blown out), the diagnosis was conclusive...PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, a hemmoragic cyst, and a bicornuate vs septal uterus. Without boring you with the details, one doctor simply looked at me and said "you getting pregnant naturally will be like finding a needle in a haystack so get ready". WOW! Not exactly what I had in mind (I should also mention that I have been on NO meds to fix any of this thus far)! Needless to say a mental breakdown ensued.
Okay so back to today, I will recount this story as best I can through a computer. The conversation went something like this...
Me: I am still bleeding erratically, but I think I ovulated this month. I felt it on the right side. I'm not convinced that there is anything wrong with my ovulation. My husband and I have faith and are believing for a baby. I know that may sound crazy, but I don't care! I have been called worse...so I don't know where to go from here. I know that medically you are going to suggest drugs, and I'm not necessarily opposed to that, but what is your professional opinion, keeping my moral and ethical dilemma in mind.
Dr G: Okay Jessica. I am a believer myself, but as your doctor, I am telling you that it is is highly unlikely that you are ovulating. I know that you feel things that may feel like ovulation, but your mind can play tricks on you. We can be as aggressive as you want, or take this as slow as you want, but I am telling you...you need the drugs. You are clinically INFERTILE. I would like to ultrasound your ovaries right now to see if you ovulated and the eggs are mature.
Me: Okay doc, whatever you say.
Dr G: I WOULD BANK MY MONEY ON THE FACT THAT YOU ARE NOT OVULATING PROPERLY OR NOT AT ALL. I know this is hard but you have to accept it. Now, lets get moving on getting you pregnant.
ME: Well okay, I'm not getting any younger or any more patient sitting here.
So fast-forward two hours to my ultrasound...
US tech: Hi Jessica. Dr G wants me to take a look at your ovaries. What am I looking for?
Me: Well I have PCOS, a bicornuate uterus (which for those of you who don't know means I have two uteruses. Yeah, I'm not joking. I had three different tests to prove it) and she doesn't think i'm ovulating at all. So you are looking to tell me I need drugs!
US tech (with probe in the you know where): okay, really? Who told you this?
Me: Uh 2 different doctors and several different tests.
US tech (wand out of the who ha): I'm going to talk to doctor G. I'll be back. You just sit right here.
Me: GOOGLE THE ONCOLOGIST. I HAVE OVARIAN CANCER, I JUST KNOW IT. OH GOD I HAVEN'T UPDATED MY LIVING WILL AND POWER OF ATTNY. HOLY CRAP WHY DID SHE JUST LEAVE SO ABRUPTLY AND WHAT IS WRONG???
US tech: Okay well I spoke to Dr G and she wants to see you in her office. (Revert back to high school or, who am I kidding...a few weeks ago at work) when I get called to the office...it it NEVER good.
30 minutes later...
Dr G: Jessica, I don't know how to tell you this...(OH GOD I'M DYING. IT'S A RARE FORM OF FLESH EATING DISEASE RIGHT?) BUT...
THERE IS NOTHING, I MEAN NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
SILENCE...
ME: WHAT??????? THAT'S NOT WHAT MY HUSBAND SAYS...
NO REALLY. WHAT? pin dropping...
I really don't know what to say, but everything in your body is completely normal. Your uterus is normal, your ovaries are normal and you have HUGE eggs coming from your right ovary.
(Enlist the 'I TOLD YOU SO's')
ME: WHAT?????????????????????????????
DR G: I don't know what to say right now. Two different doctors, many tests, and you are NORMAL. I'm just going to say this...I don't know what you are praying, but I will consider myself a "helper of God". Something happened and I don't know what, but it is highly unlikely that the original dx was wrong.
ME:WHAT?????????????????????????????
UH ARE YOU SERIOUS? Really?
Dr G: yep. as a heart attack.
Me: I don't have cancer?
Dr G: uh no who told you that? lololol
Me: WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?
DR G: I still want you to take some medicines to increase your chances of conceiving, but you have a clean bill of health. And, your blood pressure was better than it has ever been!
So, I left like a zombie. The front office lady could have charged me a million dollars and I wouldn't have known it. I threw myself into looking this one up and this is what I found...
“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us. Whatever we ask, we know that we have what we asked of Him” (1 John 5:14-15). God still performs miracles. God still heals people. My "unexplained infertility" is still a reality but it is not a finality. I needed to be less preoccupied with my physical condition in this world and a lot more concerned with my spiritual condition. Revelation 21:4 describes the true healing we should all be longing for: “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! WHAT???????????????????
Maybe, just maybe this has been my lesson throughout this excruciating time. I am so consumed with what is wrong with me and "my plan" for my life, that I never stopped to consider what His plan might be. Little by little He is proving His faithfulness in abundance. I can look at this now and think, I needed a change of pace. I needed to forgot the old reasons I had for wanting a baby, and re-evaluate them. Deuteronomy 8:2
says "And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not". He has tested my heart and my intentions and by golly I think I might be passing this time! =) My whole outlook has changed. My whole attitude has changed. My whole LIFE HAS CHANGED! And contrary to what Steven may tell you...I AM NORMAL! (I'm preaching way better than ya'll are amen-in)!!
Dr G: I don't know what to say.
Me: How about HALLELUJAH FOR STARTERS!
Dr G: well HALLELUJAH then!
He is enjoying my baby for now...but it's my turn SOON and I intend on spoiling him rotten! Starting with these =). I couldn't resist!
XOXO
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